Zell's Trippin' Parodies
by Zidell Retrix
Summary: Zell falls into a world where all his friends are whacked up on media's pop culture.


Zell
Ahhh!!! There's someone in my room and he's sleeping in my bed!

Ms. Dincht
It's alright. He's renting it out. I needed some extra chinyen and he needed a place to stay.

Zell
But the sacred...

Ms. Dincht
Oh, Zell, it'll be fine

Zell
Who is he?

Ms. Dincht
His name is Damien. He's the brother of Zanzibar. I'm sure you know him.

Zell
Holy Hell! Damien is the devil! Zanzibar is the black angel of death!

Ms. Dincht
Shhhh! You'll wake him. Besides, he has good references. Mrs. Aeriseth, from Trabia Garden, vouched for him.

Zell
But she went insane! After the Garden shattered she started talking to statues and she named her horse first consul!

Ms. Dincht
That doesn't mean anything.

Zell
She calls herself Nero Augustus Tiberius Caesar!

Ms. Dincht
Well, anyhoo, it'll be fine. Why don't you go play with your friends? Take your mind off things.

Zell
There's nobody but Squall and he doesn't say anything but '...'

Ms. Dincht
So he's kinda strange. Isn't he dating that Rinoa girl? She would've been great for you. What about Selphie?

Zell
...I'll just leave. I'm going to talk to Edea for a bit...be back for supper.

Ms. Dincht
Alirght, don't be too late.

AT EDEA'S

Zell
Hey Edea, waz up?

Edea
...Hello Zell, what is on your mind?

Zell
I'm bored and my mom gave my room to the devil.

Edea
...Right. Damien is but a small threat to the empire. If he gathers a rebellion, though, I will amass a large army of anti-Zedi knights to crush him. Zell, I leave you in charge of the Death Star.

Zell
Edea, you've GOT to lay off the magic stuff, it's warping your head.

Edea
No, Zell Vader, you must get Damien Skywalker. The force is strong with him.

Zell
Is Cid around?

Edea
Yes, the master will see you now. Don't underestimate his power. That's the will of the dark side.

Zell
Sure...whatever.

Cid
(walks in)  
Zell, I'll give you a choice. Take the blue pill and you will wake up and believe whatever you want to. Take the red pill and I'll show you how far the rabbit hole goes.

Zell
Huh?

Cid
Do you believe in fate?

Zell
Uh, no. I don't like to think that I'm not in control of my own destiny.

Cid
Then put on a black trench coat, sunglasses, and learn to bend and break the rules. The Retrix has you Zell.

Zell
Um...gimme the red pill.

Cid
Remember, I am but a messenger. The choice is yours.

Zell
(takes red pill)  
Nothing happened, Chief.

Cid
Go now. Seek the oracle. He goes by the name of General Caraway.

AT CARAWAY'S MANSION

Zell
Hey Rinoa's dad, long time no see.

Caraway
You _do_ know that you're a replicant?

Zell
A wha...?

Caraway
You have a four year life span. Wouldn't obstruct replication but does give rise to an error in replication so that the newly formed DNA strand carries the mutation and you've got a virus again.

Zell
I want more life fu...

Caraway
The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly Zell.

Zell
You're...Tyrell?

Caraway
I am your creator. That's J.F. Sebastian right over there.

JF
Hi there. I'm a biological engineer. There's some of me in you.

Zell
Some sort of freakish toy.

Rinoa
(enters)  
Run Simba, run and never return!

Zell
Rinoa?

Rinoa
You killed Mufasa!

Zell
I did who?!

Guard
(enters)  
You must be wet-wired to the mainframe! There's a virus and all of the low-techs need you, Zell Mnemonic!

Zell
...okay, hand over the crack.

Guard 2
(enters)  
Let me just shove this metal probe up your a-a-s...eye.

Caraway
All of you, stop it! We need to give him a voigt kamph test first.

Zell
Well, son of a...

Caraway
(calibrates VK machine)  
Where do you live?

Zell
Balamb District, fourth sector

Caraway
You open up a magazine and see a full nude photo of a...

Zell
Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a lesbian Mr. Ceckard?

Caraway
Just answer the question, please.

Rinoa
(interrupts)  
Hyenas! In the Pridelands!

Zell
Shouldn't you be be with Squall or something?

Rinoa
*No, he's into calculus and stuff. Kind of a hacker now*

Zell
Ha, that's kinda funny.

Rinoa
I'm a big shot rock star! Play with Milli Vanilli, call 'em lip-syncers for short, make 'em do my tech support. It's all about the Pentiums. What! What!

Selphie
(enters)

Caraway
Child-like empress!

Selphie
Zell, you must wish or there will be no more Fantasia

Zell
What the hey?

Angelo
(enters)  
Yo Quiero Taco Zell!

Rinoa
Angelo Rush!

Zell
I'm going to tell you something you may not like. I'm going to tell them about a world without you, a world where anything is possible.

Rajin
I AM the pumpkin king!...ya know.

Fujin
Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games. We've got everything you want...

Zell
Woah, man! You people are majorly screwed out of the mind, insane in the membrane. Completely out!

Selphie
Save us Zell!

Zell
How?

Caraway
Spank us!

Rinoa
Oh, yes Zell. Do spank us!

All
Spank us!

Squall
(runs in)  
I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!

Zell
...

Fujin
...spank us...

Caraway
We are the knights who say "nee!"

All
Nee

Zell
Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches and slam into the back of my Dragula!

All
Doin' it baby

All
Doin' it baby


End file.
